Reviews from an Evil Ferret Lass

[Cairn Destop]

Bravo.  This story does meander.  

And thanks for saying in public what I said about the language in PM.  I'm just sliding over the gibberish and trying to figure it out from the action.

[Venril]

Venril didn't just start picking up the language on his own.  Mripat was actively trying to help him.  And it's not like he's exactly using sohpisticated vocabulary with perfect grammar.  He so far only knows his own name and a few scattered words and phrases.  Surely in Germany you did at least manage to introduce yourself and say a few basic sentences?

[Ashira]

I have been studying German for two years.  My teacher right now will gladly tell you I have the worst writing of anyone in the class.  It's by no means, easy.

Actually, what rather gets me about this is that some of the cave creatures can actually speak your language and the others can't.  But then if Venril's little pal knew enough to understand him then how come he can't actually speak the language, if even a little?

[Opal]

Entschuldigung, bitte! I spent a mere six weeks in Vienna (well, more like four, not counting all the free travel and such), and I picked up a few little German words and phrases. I don't think it's that far-fetched for Venril to pick up a word or two. If he were suddenly fluent, then I would agree with you fully.

I would also disagree and say that this most certainly is a story. The contestants have put a ton of work into it, and that should be something to be applauded, I should think.

Thank you for being one of the very few to still be reviewing, Ashira! I do appreciate that you've stuck around.

[Ashira]

Tara, you should really stop defending them.  You're only hurting the possibility of this turning around into a really good story.  It's a story in that it has chapters, but a fleshed-out plot it does not have.  

What is the goal here that we know of right now?  To get out?  They don't seem to be in that big of a hurry.  It really reads as just random events and the whole point of criticism is to point out things that need fixing and this "story" needs fixing.

I did mention I was really excited when this story started out, since I thought it would be a great group of characters, but my interest is seriously waning.  I honestly had to force myself to read these last few chapters.  It's not a bad story, it's just no longer holding my interest and I can't tell if it's the lack of plot or if I've become really disenchanted with the characters.

I'm backing lack of plot since that's much more fixable than a disenchantment with the characters.  I'm still an optimist!

Modification for sake of not instilling despair in anyone: This story can be great.  The characters are there!  I said I was excited for the story because of the characters.  In fact, the posts were well-written enough this week that I'm having difficulty deciding who I might vote off, but every single post lacks that spark, that knit of cohesion that could make it all around great rather than simply good in bits and pieces.

There.  

[Opal]

While your suggestion is duly noted, I will continue to defend them, because I, unlike you, already think this is a great story. It's not even halfway over, so I think there's still plenty of time to give the story more of a focus (there's quite a bit behind the scenes that hasn't been revealed yet). I agree with you in that everyone has been a bit scattered this past week, but I still think there have been some great character interactions and the writing overall has been fantastic.

[Sparrowhawk]

(there's quite a bit behind the scenes that hasn't been revealed yet)

this is the sense I've been getting, and I'm glad to see it confirmed here. Just from the way the posts feel - it doesn't seem like the authors are floundering or uncertain. There's something more like an undercurrent of restrained eagerness, like the authors are all on the same page and are very excited and confident about the direction the story's taking, but they don't want to reveal too much too soon.

So, what I'm hoping is that the contestants have a plan to pull all these threads together into something huge and awesome. But we'll see...

[Revel]

Hm. I suppose my post was a little boring. Not much really happened because I decided to take things slow. So much is happening in everyone else's posts, I thought another quick scene change would be too much. I'm sorry it dragged on as much as it did and that you didn't like it. Promise I'll do better next time!

If these past weeks have been disjointed, I would have to say its because we're trying to get all the concepts of everything introduced before we delve headlong into the main plot we have in store. It's like playing World of Warcraft! The game doesn't start until level 80!  ;D That's a scary analogy. But it is hard to set a proper story in place that revolves around characters when you don't know who's going to be there next week. We can't plan so far ahead and just hope the necessary pieces will still be around.

I want to work really hard to make sure you like Week 4, Ashira. Thank you for reviewing!

And very true, Sparrowhawk. Several of the "pointless" scenes in my post are very important for Revel and other characters, but I chose to focus on the ending as the main reveal.

[Ashira]

Rath:
I thought your post was pretty good too.  It didn't seem to pull just some random event from thin air, but actually felt like it might fit with the story.  Thanks.  I have a couple of things to say though.

It took me a while to realize that the ritual was of a tearing out the eyes.  I suppose I should've guessed since there are eyeless around here, but was not that clear due to this line.

What was once a wonder now was unbearable, searing, murderous pain, lancing through his organs like a, a blade through an eye.

Obviously, that last bit is the hint that the eyes were torn about, but I seriously thought the other ferret had been gutted and I was wondering how in the world it was supposed to live.  Showing is good, but when showing is too vague try to tell us a little bit.

Also, where the heck did you get Keane's coat?  Rath was long gone by the time the cat died and you don't mention going back and pillaging it off his body.  This is a gimmick.  That's pretty obvious and I find it very strange that reading about drug use is somehow okay but saying a curse sharper than 'heck' is bad!

Mixed society much?

(And Rath, those last couple of sentences isn't directed very much at you.)

[Cairn Destop]

I find it very strange that reading about drug use is somehow okay but saying a curse sharper than 'heck' is bad!

This might be a function of the site.  Any profanity might be automatically censored out.  That happens on some other sites.  Tara could answer that question.

[Bellona Littlebrush]

Thank you for reviewing, Ashira, m'am. I know my last post was a bit out there and I probably should have toned down the irrationalism, but the hystericism was warranted, I feel. I challenge anyone not to get hysterical when her best friend and commander goes psychotic and then dies suddenly. I'm sorry you were confused about Sailpaw's condition. It's a lame response, but: it will be explained. As Revel said, there is a method to this madness we call a plot.

[Ashira]

Uhh...I didn't think the hystericism of her reacting to her Captain practically turning into a zombie was bad.  No, that was fine.  Perfectly justified!  It was in the beginning before he started getting sick.  I mean, Bell went so far as to hit him?  That doesn't strike me as Bell-like.

And Cairn, it's not the automatic censoring of the site.  One of my posts actually says, "Edited by Tara" at the bottom.

[Cairn Destop]

And Cairn, it's not the automatic censoring of the sight.  One of my posts actually says, "Edited by Tara" at the bottom.

Well, let me try two of the milder ones:
Damn it
Hell

EDIT:   Well, I'll be, it does work here.  On some other sites I visited, those two words would appear as:
#### it
####

[Opal]

From the Board Guidelines:

No swearing or profanity. This includes using words like "hell" and the names of deities (Jesus, God, Allah, Bhudda, etc.) in an inappropriate manner. Substitute words like "heck", "darn", and "gosh" may be used, but please don't overdo it. Such words as "damn" and "hell" may be used ONLY in an appropriate manner (for example, this would be considered CORRECT: "So-and-so was damned to hell." This is INCORRECT: "Damn it!" "What the hell?"). If this rule cannot be followed, the words will blocked.

[Damask the Minstrel]

To be fair, the three word story is also against board policy.