First Impressions

[Minerva]

I also wanted to pop in here and say thanks from all of us contestants. We really appreciate the effort you took to catch up and review all of our posts before the vote and we love having fresh perspectives.

[Crue Sarish]

I also wanted to pop in here and say thanks from all of us contestants. We really appreciate the effort you took to catch up and review all of our posts before the vote and we love having fresh perspectives.

Thank you, Minerva and everyone, for all the hard work you put into this story. I wish you a smooth and inspired week 2!

[Crue Sarish]

"Born and Raised" - Adeen Pinebarrow

In the last episode: Our vile vole friend continues to record details about the poor souls in the Crater, gets accused of cannibalism, mistakes meditation for sleeping, promised to find young Fable, has a cryptic chat with Kentrith, and is offered revenge in exchange for assassination. Constantly on the move in other chapters, we last saw her sneaking into the nursery, sparking Kentrith's suspicions.

The thief takes advantage of her rather fortuitous surroundings to do more than fulfill her promise to Minerva. During this, it's obvious that her surroundings and circumstances are taking their toll on Adeen's mind. Memories and images are coming unbidden, and I'm still wondering how she wasn't aware of the fact that she was writing down strengths/weaknesses of other beasts she came across. She seemed to get over that fact relatively quickly, though, as she (consciously) seeks out intel on Minerva.

Now, who exactly was she there to kill? That was the great mystery of the beginning of this chapter. We know that delivering Minerva's message was the means of getting to this beast, but the author does a good job of teasing us with possibilities. Is it Marick? Fable? Someone else? I have a feeling Adeen would have fought the impulse more if it was Fable, a dibbun with whom she has at least some small connection, but I can not be sure.

On the other hand, it feels like it took a while for Kentrith to enter the scene. The last we saw, he wasn't far from the door. I'm surprised it took him so long to get in when he seemed just about ready to charge in before. He could have been watching her from the door until she reaches for the knife, but I imagine he would have been spotted beforehand, considering the amount of time that would have logically elapsed between the embroidering and the conversation

I appreciate the hints about the backstory between Adeen and Kentrith, and those bits of information are such a tease!  Kentrith is still looking after Adeen as he did before, but I'm curious to see if a line will be drawn, when Adeen does something that either Kentrith can't protect her from or won't want to.  On a similar note, the hare seems to be taking in stride the fact that she was about to pull a knife on a kid, or at least obviously took one with her when visiting a bunch of children.

Unknown combatants were stacked by masked beasts on top of a drainage grate. The grate slowly drank what did not spill in the arena, and those with slitting knives passed bet-earned coins as they waited.

I get the first part. I don't get what you meant by "those with slitting knives." Did those beasts finish off the fallen? That's the only jump my mind can make, but the context is limited.

Adeen remained conscious of the cheers, of the jeers against the Black Widow and her obviously weak husband, of the concussive force of blow after blow against her face and chest. For only a moment the stars and lyrics along The Drag's bunk shone clear. Yet, this was no child, and the force of its knuckles into Adeen's forehead crushed surfacing questions of Canen, of escape.

The mouse's eyes and brow, slashed and stained with ink, churned as her calm broke into fury.

It's interesting that another beast in the Crater would have a grudge against Adeen for some reason. The introduction was rather abrupt, and as the mouse goes to wailing on Adeen, I'm left confused and intrigued, though possibly more confused. What exactly is Adeen remembering?  "Stars and lyrics?"  They were on a ship when the mouse was a child, but suddenly she's thinking about Canen and escape and then not because she's taking a beating... And then the mouse was apparently calm and now isn't... And either Adeen or the mouse are now going to kill Aldridge?

Where earlier the hints dropped made sense in context, it feels like there's a linear progression missing here. We're getting that Adeen has a shady past and a history of stealing things, but there's a jump from "she steals things" to "she'll kill you if I don't."

Thinking back to Adeen's app, she is a beast whose brain can shut off during certain situations, essentially blacking out and turning into a rage monster. That could explain some of what the mouse was talking about regarding Aldridge possibly being killed by Adeen someday, but that was a bit of a jump from the somewhat mild-mannered vole we've seen in the last couple of chapters.

After thinking about it for a while, does Adeen "black out" more often than she thinks? Is the writing in her journal some feral part of her brain writing things like her rational brain isn't paying attention? It's an intriguing idea, but if this is the case, I don't feel like Adeen is as worried about it as I think she could be. She doesn't like thinking about the past, but the flip-flops between her being worried about strange things (extra notes) and old memories (faces of her kids) and appearing fine with adding to the book and assassinating beasts doesn't feel as believable as it could.


One of my favorite lines in this chapter was "Kidness comes at a cost." I like the fact that in this chapter, that saying wasn't just true for Adeen, but for other characters as well. Aldridge comes in and saves her, but the price is another enemy. Minerva gives her daughter hope with the delivery of the stitching, but what will that lead to greater despair later on?

Mortician Muda definitely has that mad scientist vibe to her, and I wouldn't mind seeing her again. Someone who hangs out with death all day (without dealing it out that we know of) would definitely offer a different perspective of life in the Crater. She's hot-tempered and volatile, and some lovely things can happen with a character like that.

Thanks for starting us off again, Adeen!

[Crue Sarish]

Going out of town for four days really cut down on the time I have to read these posts, let alone post my thoughts. I'll try to say at least a little something about each, but we'll see where the clock takes me.

"Tug of War" - Minerva

What I liked:

A rather clever exchange with Nire, and his plan adds extra conflict and intrigue regarding what is to come. That was a particularly vicious "bargain" he made with them.

It was a small thing, but with Komi relinquishing the chain for Minerva, that allowed for some sense of understanding. A small kindness, reluctantly given, but given nonetheless.

The pacing of the scene was well done. It was a little bit of a change to have everything take place in one scene, but it worked well. The conversations didn't feel drawn out.

What to watch for:
There were a fair amount of unnecessary add-ons sprinkled through the post.

"As she feared, she was in a cell somewhere in the underground access tunnels of the Crater." - We can assume it's the Crater. Could leave that off unless there actually was a change.

"Hardly a moment passed before the Lord of the Crater appeared in front of Minerva's cell with a wide smile on his maw and a spring in his stride. A few moments later, a bored-looking Commander Nix took her usual position behind him and rolled her eyes." - Repetition of "moments." Those could be left off, as it doesn't seem like the emphasis is on how quickly they're moving, but rather the fact that they're stepping forward right after the last paragraph.

"The lynx turned towards Nix behind him." "Behind him" shows a specific detail, but it's not necessary to be so specific in this case.

It's little words and phrases that can slow down the reading. It's really hard for me to see them in my own writing, so I'm glad when other people who are editing my work point it out. Writing flowery prose and trying to be unnecessarily specific or poetic is something I'm working on as well, so I'm practicing with other peoples' chapters :) It will tighten up the narration in the end.


I know more is coming up with Minerva. Looking forward to it.

[Crue Sarish]

"Beasts of Burden" - Aldridge Moor

In the last episode: After being brought before Nire, Aldridge is tortured by a hideous beast. Once he's recovered some, he checks on the other beasts of Madder Barrow and is given a job as a bow-maker before being reunited with the younger Aera.

What I liked:

The two songs were lovely and fit the scene well. A send-off for a dying child, and a non-traditional song of comfort.

I like to see the caring that Aldridge has for the beasts around him. He has a genuine fondness for his friends that has carried through the whole story so far and it's a good contrast to those who are in despair or constantly angry and so forth.


What could be worked on:

The opening scene was touching, but a bit long. You wrote Aldridge in this as if his focus was on being the healer. Gels and salves and pokes and prods could have been cut down to simply allow Aldridge to aid Adeen. He's detailed, yes, but the chapter doesn't have to include every detail.

?I?m sorry,? She said to them all. ?We don?t have the time to mourn him now. Four beasts left to pull from the brink. Ulrich, there are no more amputations as best as I can tell. Go to bed.? And she stormed out, pawsteps even heavier than usual.

?Alder.? Ulrich, who had fought away the tears. ?This seems like the right time to show you something.?

Watch for some of the grammar/punctuation errors.

You have a lot of NPCs in your chapters. It's nice to have some you can call your own and develop, but it can be hard to keep them all straight. Too many beasts and we don't have time to really care about them all. I knew Cricken was part of the group, but I couldn't recall what was special about him. His death scene felt like that of any dying child: tragic and heartbreaking, but impersonal. Then Droven is mentioned and I can't recall who he is, either. It honestly could just be me and my bad memory, but there was more than one occasion where I waited for that "Oh, that guy," moment.


I can't help but wonder what was accomplished by this scene. Adeen received some attention, and we were introduced to a "special place" for the people of Madder Barrow and for Aldridge, and we saw Komi again. There was a tiny bit of backstory added, but I still don't see Aldridge moving his story forward. There was more wandering around and conversations about how everyone's doing, but there was a lack of both conflict and resolution. I don't feel closer to figuring out how Aldridge is going to accomplish whatever goals he has aside from getting a little closer to Komi. It was a nice change to see she's listening to him now.

[Crue Sarish]

"All the Ghouls Come Out to Play" - Kentrith

In the last episode: Kentrith gives Aldridge a lesson on life in the Crater and goes to visit young Marik, the overseer of the children.


What I liked:

Even if it was for a short time, it's good to get a picture of what's going on outside of the Crater proper. Things are still happening in Northvale, and there are still beasts with whom the contestants are connected or could be. This time they were used to not only give Kentrith a break from the craziness, but to share a touch more of his backstory regarding the beasts he knew when he was last here.

Great job bringing in personal details, exploring a fault Kentrith thought was behind him, and bringing a new side to Nix that we haven't seen yet.

What to work on:

I wish I had more time to go over the post. There were a few odd sentence constructions, but I'd have to go back and look for them.

[Komi Banton]

Good to see you back, Crue! Travel really does throw a monkey wrench into things like this, doesn't it? Thanks so much for knocking out a few reviews. They're very appreciated!

[Crue Sarish]

Good to see you back, Crue! Travel really does throw a monkey wrench into things like this, doesn't it? Thanks so much for knocking out a few reviews. They're very appreciated!

Thank you, Komi! I'll see what I can do in the next few hours...

"Let's Get Down to Business to Defeat the Huns" - Komi Banton

I like the gradual reveal of the backstory. Definitely helps figure out some of where Komi's anger stems from. Betrayal seems a common theme in her life.

I also appreciate the fact that Kentrith didn't wake up having forgotten everything that happened the night before. I feel it's a somewhat overused trick, as not everyone who gets drunk wakes up with amnesia.

I wonder why Minerva is so quick to jump on the "coward" train with Komi. As the Monster of Mossflower, she knows what it's like to be labeled and that there's more to any given story.

Overall, excellent! I thoroughly enjoyed that chapter and it's nice to see more of who Komi is as opposed to just what she's thinking. Looking forward to seeing her and Minerva in the next episode!

[Crue Sarish]

"Fool's Gold" - Thrayjen

Oh good, we get to see Blue again! And I'm still sad about Nan passing away :( Nice ol' lady. I wonder, though, what Aldridge is thinking about the young hedgehogs. "He, at least, had been spared the sight of the hog babes? fate." Does that mean they were considered old enough to fight?

Ooo! Secret time! It's intriguing that Thryajen's secret would come at a cost to Nire if the lynx decided to pursue that train of thought.

I'm curious what the gold tooth accomplished. I know that's a detail we'll hear more about soon enough if Nire has anything to say about it.

It seemed a bit coincidental that he and Blue just happened to run into Aldridge, but it wasn't completely out of place.To be honest, I felt more connected to Aldridge in this post than I did in his last. I hope that the stoat takes note, but I'm pleased to see a more satisfying backstory here, with connections popping up between cast members. Intrigue, coincidence, conflict... Delicious!

[Crue Sarish]

"Don't Fear the Reaper" - Silas Hetherton

In the last round, I liked Silas, but he didn't strike me as a very memorable character. In this chapter, we get to see not only the difficult choices he has to make, but his determination to remain true to his nature. It's not that he can't kill another beast, but he values life, especially that of those who want no more than to survive.

?Just realize that nothing stays the same forever,? Kentrith added as an afterthought. ?As we are being changed by the Crater, we also effect changes to it.? He lowered his gaze. ?Perhaps even for the better.?

This is my favorite quote of the chapter. I like the fact that this story is not only about the characters, but has the potential to change the world around them. This was very reminiscent of the line from Gladiator: "What we do in life echoes in Eternity."

Ooo! A hidden fang, ready to be plunged into Tom Riddle's diary... or into whoever it is that might need some killing.

All in all, an excellent display of decision making, displaying the weaknesses of this poor rat. With Blasio now warming up to him, Silas will continue to have to make choices, very likely with no good options. I look forward to seeing how he handles them.

[Crue Sarish]

"Let Steel do the Talking" - Aldridge and Kentigern

Two beasts  of strong conviction, who love as strongly as they fight, and who ended up on opposite sides of a culture war. One refuses to acknowledge the folly of labeling all vermin as evil, and one refuses to let the hare's drunken words pass by unchallenged. The build-up of their argument was well put, with Kentigern finally able to air his grievance in public and the grieving Aldridge pushed too far.

Not sure what curtain Thrayjen popped up from behind, but I suppose he's there, too. Of course Sly is up to his usual tricks, trying to make a penny when possible.

An excellent fight that kept me drinking in the words the whole time. A clear picture of these two fighting not to survive, but to prove the other wrong. It saddens me greatly when a character dies unredeemed, still bearing the weight of their hatred and prejudices, and yet Kentigern's end was not out of character. A proud hare to the end, a once good beast who threw it all away, may his example serve as a lesson for the rest.

What will happen to Aldridge next, only time will tell.

Well written.

[Crue Sarish]

"Coming up Easy" - Sly

Sly was another character that was amusing in the first round, but didn't really stand out in my mind. Let's see what this chapter holds.

The incredibly long, boring wait. So long, Sly began to hear the tavern calling to him, which was strange because the pub rarely spoke to him anymore?.

I don't feel like that's the case, unless you mean he spends so much time in the tavern he doesn't need to be reminded to go back.

A few more really good one-liners, some zingers, and more tension between Blasio and Sly, but I still don't get much of a feel for Sly's plans other than making money. Sure, he intends to one-up the beaver, but he's not going to do that by talking about it. If he's planning to run some scheme, clue us in. At least then we'd know he has a path before him.

[Crue Sarish]

"Flight of the Bumbling Bard" - Kali

He he...

A young beast crossing the threshold of naivety into the realization of what some beasts do to each other. She's completely repulsed by the brutality, the spectacle, and the fact that beasts expose their kids to this "entertainment." At the same time, she also acknowledges the morbid curiosity that creeps in and admits some part of her sees the skill and showmanship of the fighters.

(Running out of time.) No!

It seemed inevitable that Kali would "cross" Nire at some point, and it would be expected that she'd be thrown in with the rest of the cast at some point, but the reader in me is pouting. Nire's just a meany-faced jerk-brained psychopathic.... *breathes*

I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

[Crue Sarish]

"The Chains that Bind Us" - Komi & Minerva

Oh! Komi's a mother as well?! (Is my bad memory striking again or is this new information?... Feels new enough to me.)

A touching moment between the two, even though they don't have any plans to become BFFs. Not only were they able to get some things off their chests, but they were able to get some much needed sleep.

Well written in both parts.  Nice to see some teamwork with that chain (ala Jabba the Hutt style killing). Hopefully that venom doesn't keep Komi down for too long. That would probably just annoy the both of them.

Thank you for rounding off this... round!



Hope you all get a little bit of a break before your noses find their ways back to the grindstone.

[Thrayjen]

Wow, Crue! Thanks for taking the time to comment on all these chapters, especially since you've been away!